I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
