Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
