I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Randomize
