Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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