last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
