my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Randomize
