I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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