This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize