This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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