i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
