I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
