I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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