Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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