I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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