why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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