Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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