i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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