Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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