I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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