I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
