I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
