I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
