I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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