I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
