I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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