You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize
