She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
