i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
