I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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