YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
