Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
