Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
