Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
