I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
