On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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