My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
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