yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
