My Higher Power is John Stamos
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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