i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
