I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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