woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
