oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
