would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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