My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
