I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Sorry about my life...
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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