dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Please don't give away my fajitas
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
