Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
