I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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