Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
