i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
