god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
