I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
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