Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
