I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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