You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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