someone threw a dead crab at me
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
