What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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