We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
