i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
