Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
