"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize